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On making a documentary for canal boats: ‘This chemical toilet is a Saniflow 33, now this little babe can cope with anything, and I mean anything. Earlier on I put in a pound of mashed up Dundee cake, let’s take a look…not a trace! Peace of mind I’m sure, especially if you have elderly relatives on board.’

Ok, If you’ve just joined us, we’re talking about who is the best Lord. Lord of the Rings, of the Dance or of the Flies, that’s tonight’s hot topic. Ok, the votes are closed and clearly the rings and the flies have been roundly trounced by the quick feet of blouse wearing tycoon Michael Flatly. Flatly my dear, I don’t riverdance.

We managed to rectify it, though, because it now says, by adapting it, “Cook” where it once said “Cock”, and it says “Pass” now where it once said “Piss”, so it’s slightly less rude.

Minor criticism. I like to keep a bit more distance between the egg and the beans. I may want to mix them but that’s my decision. Use the sausage as a breakwater….but that’s nitpicking, on the whole a very good effort…Seven on ten. Let’s make love.

Swallow is a detective who tackles vandalism. Bit of a maverick, not afraid to break the law if he thinks it’s necessary. He’s not a criminal, but he will, perhaps, travel 80mph on the motorway if he, for example, he wants to get somewhere quickly…

… and that was Big Yellow Taxi by Joni Mitchell, a song in which Joni complains that they paved paradise to put up a parking lot. A measure which actually would have alleviated traffic congestion on the outskirts of paradise, something which Joni singularly fails to point out – perhaps because it doesn’t quite fit in with her blinkered view of the world. Nevertheless, nice song.

Ok, If you’ve just joined us, we’re talking about who is the best Lord. Lord of the Rings, of the Dance or of the Flies, that’s tonight’s hot topic. Ok, the votes are closed and clearly the rings and the flies have been roundly trounced by the quick feet of blouse wearing tycoon Michael Flatly. Flatly my dear, I don’t riverdance.

I think the Irish are going through a major image change. I mean, the old image of Leprechauns, shamrock, Guinness, horses running through council estates, toothless simpletons, people with eyebrows on their cheeks, badly tarmacced drives – in this country, men in platform shoes being arrested for bombings, lots of rocks, and Beamish. I think people are saying “yes, there’s more to Ireland than this”. A good slogan for the tourist board – “Dere’s more to Oireland dan dis.”

Ok, If you’ve just joined us, we’re talking about who is the best Lord. Lord of the Rings, of the Dance or of the Flies, that’s tonight’s hot topic. Ok, the votes are closed and clearly the rings and the flies have been roundly trounced by the quick feet of blouse wearing tycoon Michael Flatly. Flatly my dear, I don’t riverdance.